i’ve kind of been avoiding writing anything personal for a bit as my mind and heart have been heavy lately. this past month has been the most trying time for me as a new mother, so i haven't had time or effort to put into this space. i don’t feel like going into detail because it already consumes my mind daily and i don’t want to put more energy into negativity. mama life is just hard sometimes and i’m hopeful for better days. i pray that my jumbled thoughts will come together and make sense.
on top of everything going on with wesley this past month, last week i got the news that a friend of mine from esthetics school had passed away. without going into a lot of detail, she was wonderful and the news was heartbreaking.
i haven’t been to a funeral in a long time. actually, i haven’t been to very many in my lifetime. it was inspiring and my soul was uplifted. i thought of so many things as they spoke about the kind of person shai is and the lessons she leaves for us to learn from. there were many things i wish i would have wrote down because they impacted me so much. but the main thing i took away from it was a desire and resolve to live more fully. meaning to forgive quickly, laugh and play more, explore everyday, and love deeply.
i believe that god has a plan and i know we will all live on this earth as long as he allows us to. this means that any one of us can be taken at any moment. that’s something i don’t ever really think about, and it results in me taking far too many things in my life for granted. life is too short to lose touch with people. it’s to short to not live everyday doing something you love. it’s too short to not tell your loved ones how you feel. i don’t want to just exist, i want to thrive.
as i reflect on my life, so much of it seems wasted on things that have no real worth. the other night while i was deadly sick, my sweet husband ran out to get dinner for us. he came home with pizza and we enjoyed our meal on the floor in our living room. i sat there and took in the moment, not realizing until after that i didn’t take one picture. if you know me, you know i take a lot of pictures. i love capturing memories so i won’t forget a day or moment. but i realized i will always hold that night in my heart because my husband was serving me, we were together and i had gratitude in my heart for my tiny family. i reflected on that and realized i probably miss a lot of special moments in my life by trying to ‘capture the moment’ with a camera instead of just being present. (if that makes sense) after a couple friends recommended it, i read this article and there are pieces of it that ring true to my life. sometimes i use social media to hide from hard things that are staring me in the face, just like the author talks about. i never recognized that’s what i was doing and it’s such an unhealthy habit to get into.
with the passing of my friend, i have a resolve more than ever to live my life more simply, more fully, more intentionally and sincere and to have a mind free from clutter. i want to have more days that are so extraordinary that only my mind and heart remember them, like the day we drove through these mountains. his glory and presence was so clear and i was grateful to be living.