on being wesley's momma

i've always kind of been a people pleaser. i hate disappointing people. becoming a mother has kind of forced me to really look deep inside and find what i really want for my child, my life and my family. joining the "mom club" is really interesting thing. even though there is a lot of support, there is also judgement. since the day i found out i was pregnant i have had opinion after opinion on how i should give birth and how i need to raise him now that he is here. i have struggled with worrying about what others might think with the decisions i make. i've been so frustrated by that and have decided i need to stop trying to make everyone else happy and listen to myself. there is a lot of stuff as a new mom i have need advice on and i appreciate that so much. what i really don't care for are opinions expressed over and over when i have not asked for them. i have chosen to raise wesley probably the non conventional way of parenting. it could be considered as attachment parenting,  but i just see it as being wesley's mom. 
i hold him pretty much the whole day. i hold him because i want to. we sleep together, play together, eat together and so on. i was told before he came how wonderful it would be and how amazing having a newborn is. then shortly after, i was told i need to put him down so he's not dependent on me. that i need to get things done around the house and put him in a swing. i felt like i was being told two different things. i was always feeling like there is this way that society says things should be done and you are wrong if you do anything different. why do we have to do everything one way? who cares if i hold my child. he wont grow up to be a dependent  person who can't function in society because i gave him too much love. there's no such thing as too much love! as humans we crave it. we need it. he will grow into a loving, secure, nurturing man and i can't wait to see who he becomes. 
i have a sleeper for him, but feel guilty when he is just sitting in it so i can do what i want. this might work for others, but for me i don't feel like housework is that urgent. in 15 years i wont remember if laundry was done or not. but what i will remember is if i spent the most amount of time with my baby teaching and loving him. shouldn't my baby be dependent at this time in his life? he is new to the world and needs me to help him learn about it at his own pace. independence is something that will come when he is ready and i will not force it on him. i am confidant he will be secure and confidant when that time comes. i see this as such a short amount of time. a short time to teach them what this world is about through our actions. it's a time that comes and goes way too fast and if he wants cuddles i will freely give them. there will come a day when he won't want to cuddle and i don't want to be full of regret and wish i had done more. there are days he wants to be loved on more than others. days where he cries more and only wants me. although it is tiring sometimes (i won't pretend it's not)  when i get horrible sleep the night before, it is my calling as his mother. after all, i made the choice to have him.
now, i don't just sit around all day and not do anything either. i think that is the biggest misconception. if laundry or dishes need to be done, i wear him in his carrier so he can look around and hear different sounds. when i shower i put him in his vibrating sleeper and he loves listening to the shower run. we love to go on walks. during naps i either nap with him or work on things on my computer. when daddy gets home they play and i hang out with them or get things done and have alone time. it's a great time for them to bond as well. it's a really good balance and i feel great about how we do things. we are all so happy and that is what is important. i'm still taking one day at a time and learning so much, but i'm realizing things aren't always better done by the book. i'm learning to trust myself and it's amazing how in tune i really am to his needs. 

*please realize this is just me partially venting. i don't care how others raise their children, this is just what works for us. i support mothers everywhere and realize people will do things different than me and i think that's awesome. *