these sweet little hands

the beautiful moment wesley was placed on my chest for the first time, we were in awe of his perfection. i will never forget that feeling. he was everything we hoped for and more. we were beyond in love. we sat in disbelief that our sweet son was finally here and our hearts grew by leaps and bounds. about ten minutes later, my midwife showed me his left hand was missing two fingers. we still saw him as the perfect baby he was, but i would be lying if i said it didn't change a lot of things in that moment for me. my love for him deepened even more and my purpose for life changed.
i've never gone through anything as intense as having a child. everything is new and foreign and that first week was like any other new mothers, i'm sure. there were roller coasters of emotions, so much joy and a lot of learning. it was difficult for me that first week to wrap my head around the fact that i now had a baby, but even more that he was missing two fingers and what that meant for his life.
i've never doubted him and what he will be able to do. not ever. that's not why i was afraid for him. i was afraid for him because of the world we live in. no mother wants to ever see their child hurt or in pain and i couldn't help but imagine the teasing he might endure. i finally understand loving your child so much that you want to protect them from anything and everything that is bad. that first week i would break out in tears if i thought of him being bullied or looked at differently. i couldn't tell my siblings or friends because i didn't know what to say. i would cry when people met him for the first time and noticed it. i tried each day to be strong and wondered why i was so upset about it. i felt guilty for not wanting this for him. here i am so deeply in love with my baby, but will others love him as much as i do and see him for his worth? do i leave it as it is or try and seek different options for him? it was a lot to  contemplate and consider and i struggled a lot.
by the end of the week i came to terms with it. (i also was not as emotional and my sanity was coming back, so i could see things clearer) relatives left, the house was quiet and i had a moment i rocked my new baby, looking at his hand and finally pushed the denial away. and then i cried more than i have in my life at the reality that it will never go away. this was really happening. i could be angry and upset or i could embrace it and see the good. i remembered god has a plan. this happened because he has great things for wesley to do. i realized i can't be afraid for him because then he will doubt himself. the way we raise him is the most important thing we will ever do. we will make sure he understands his worth.
from that day i have been more than okay.  we are so used to his hand and most the time i forget about it. it's a part of who he is and we love it. i recognize that we are so blessed to have such a healthy little boy and this trial is so small compared to what others go through. we love him and he brings more happiness to our lives than we imagined. so many people have told us that he is lucky to have us as parents and i agree. but even more i feel like we are so blessed to have him. he has taught me more in these three weeks then i have learned in my lifetime. he has taught me that all of us are on the same journey and all of us struggle weather it be tucked away inside or outwardly for others to see. i've learned that god has a purpose for us and it is our responsibility to found out what that is and fulfill it. he's taught me to be kind and to think before judging others. that it doesn't matter what you look like, but what kind of person you are and how you treat others. he's taught me that each day is a gift and life is so beautiful. and most importantly, that our god loves us so much and will never abandoned us. i am learning the type of person i want to be and what kind of life i want to live because of wesley. i'm so grateful for that and my sweet boy. i look forward to our beautiful life together.

*this post was hard to write and i didn't even plan on writing about it. these are my personal feelings and i feel very vulnerable. i didn't want him looking back and reading it thinking i was the one who saw him different or made a big deal about it. but if i don't say anything i feel like i am hiding something about who he is. i decided i need to share this because it is a reality in our lives and by sharing our story we hope others will see they are not alone in their own trials.