thoughts of today

".. the beauty of living a conscious life is that it will allow you to reach higher peaks of happiness. as we recognize our power as a creator, we are consciously creating the life we choose, and learning to live and grow in joy... change is inevitable and happiness is found in the journey, not in the end result."
getting pregnant has really helped me put my life in perspective. i thought when i got married i would suddenly know who i was, life would be dandy and i would be completed by my husband. it's a nice thought, but totally unrealistic and not healthy. no one should base their happiness on what someone else does or doesn't do for them. {still learning this} as much as darren makes my life whole and better in so many ways, i feel like i am still on that journey of finding who i am inside down to my core. maybe that's what your 20's are for?
i have also always thought that i need to have all my ducks in a row before i start a family. i imagined i would own a home, be successful in my career, traveled everywhere i wanted, know who i was and what i believed and so on. let's just say, i'm not there at all! but i'm learning that it's okay to change your ideas, thoughts, or feelings about certain things and that doesn't make you a phony person. it makes you a person who is constantly growing and learning to be better. as i get older and see the world around me, i see what i once cared about and the impressions i once tried to make and none of that really matters to me anymore. i stay close to the friends, family and activities that lift me up and make me better and i am okay with leaving the rest behind. i'm enjoying this journey we are on of figuring it all out.
i kind of hated high school because, well, i was kind of a nobody. just admitting that makes me feel super vulnerable. i didn't feel good about who i was and i was too concerned about what others thought of me. i was shy and unsure of myself. i never felt i fit in because of the way i dressed or looked. and even though people were friendly to me, i never had a lot of real friends. it got better as i went to college and i slowly learned that the amount of friends i had in high school doesn't define my life. at all. our society now is still one where everyone is constantly trying to one up each other and prove that their life is a certain way. but really, we are all trying to learn, we are all imperfect and we all have self worth.
now that i am going to be a mom i feel these feelings of inadequacy sometimes with social media and the opinions of others. it's a feeling of always trying to keep up. like what if my toddler doesn't wear $80 jeans? it doesn't matter. i want to teach him his self worth is not defined by what others think of him. i want him to know how loved he is no matter what. 
recently i have been reading and preparing a ton for the labor and delivery of our baby boy since we are doing it natural. from classes, and groups, to reading a million books, i feel like i am getting really ready mentally and spiritually. or as ready as one can get! it's intimidating for me to know that in a few weeks i'll be going through something very physical and most likely painful and that i have no idea what to expect. i'm a planner and i like to be in control of situations, but i am slowly learning to let go of these patterns. at the same time i am equally excited and curious for this day to come! 
in my reading and preparing i have changed so much inside. my goals, desires and wishes for my life and the world have changed. i want more love, laughter and genuine happiness. i want to be healthy and do what i love everyday. i don't see things as so complicated anymore. i am learning to love each day as it is. the other day someone told me and darren to have joy in the journey. to not worry about the past or the future but to be present now. it has changed things for me and i truly feel like i recognize more of the happiness going on in my everyday life. we have a loving god who blesses us so much and there is so much to be thankful for!

*quote from the book painless childbirth, but i don't really see it specifically for expecting mothers. it's taught me so many lessons i will carry through my life. i highly recommend it!