For the past couple weeks, Wesley has started to really come around and get comfortable with Ivy. He's been loving on her so much more and I think, has finally accepted the fact that she's staying for good. Haha. I've also felt a shift in our relationship and am so grateful for it. He's wanting to hug and love me again and I feel like we've figured out ways to make time for just us to be together.
But. I think the last five weeks of being homeless (more on that later) is starting to take a toll on him because he's been testing me a lot. You know, the kind of not-so-lovely behavior that's accompanied with a smirk on his face. The kind that feels intentional. That kind.
So today we were in one of those moments. The battle of him needing to take a nap but wanting to play with his balloon instead. I could feel myself getting impatient. I was so tired, Ivy needed me and he was in dire need of some rest. I could literally feel the sympathy and gentleness leaving me, being replaced with anger and resentment. I find myself in this spot too often lately. I am always battling the habit to react instead of respond, something I am working so hard on. But this time without acting on that, I chose to say a prayer instead. I hurried and simply asked that I'd be able to get through this small hurdle in our day with the patience and love that I desperately want to have whenever I am teaching/guiding him.
I kept on trying to console him and explained he'd be able to play as soon as he woke up. Eventually through his tears he drifted off to sleep and as I laid there with him I realized how calm I had stayed. And the love I felt for him. The problem didn't disappear but I was able to handle it calmly and with love- the way I wish to handle every situation with him. My prayer was answered! This wasn't the first time I've prayed to get through a tough situation or a particularly hard day, but this time His awareness for me was so obvious.
I was so grateful that I was able to watch him go to sleep without him feeling like I was upset with him. I had so much love for him in that moment and saw him as my child who needed my love, instead of feeling like he was a burden. He deserves that.
As a stay at home mom, there are a lot of times I feel alone. You can have a range of emotions and experiences that try and test you all day long, day after day with nobody to support or encourage you on. Nobody except for God; He is always there. He wants us to come to Him and lean on Him for strength. He wants us to succeed. He knows my potential (and yours) as a mama and wants to help me on journey in being the best I can be. Not perfect, but better than the day before. And this is not only concerning mothers, it's for all of us. He sees the details of our lives and if it matters to us, it matters to Him. If we will only just turn to Him more often, in the small and big moments of difficulty, He WILL show up and help us.
I am so grateful for this tender experience with my Wesley. It reminded me that He's on my side. Even though I am confused about a lot of things that are happening to us right now, I know that He sees me, that He loves me. And that's enough to help me keep going.