I've just woken up and find myself entangled in my children, their chests rising and falling with each slow breath, hands locked in mine, and in this moment I feel so complete and so whole.
When I really think of the transformation that's occurred in me these last couple of years, I can't help but smile. It's so incredible how they've changed me! Even the areas in my life that have nothing to do with motherhood are touched by them, their little souls always encouraging me to grow and improve myself.
The moment I held his tiny chest against mine for the first time, a new woman inside me was born and I will never be the same. It's incredible to me that each of us, as women, go through this the instant we lay eyes on our child for the first time. Our hearts suddenly beat for an entirely new reason. It's powerful and pure, there's nothing like it in the world. Overnight my life completely turned into something I had only ever dreamed of and it's been a ride of self realization and change ever since.
Before Wes came I didn't know much of who I was or what my purpose was. I knew I was a daughter of God, but there was still something lacking inside of me. I felt so much unsurety of His specific plan for me. I had insecurities. So many things that I ran from. I lived life going through the motions without much intention.
And then there he was, this tiny little being, showing me exactly who I needed to be. Exactly who I was. Everything he needed me to be was everything I avoided. Having him filled in so many holes and was the answer to so many questions.
Mothering them reveals my truest self, bringing me in touch with who I really am. It brings out parts of me that I try to push down and ignore. And I know I always say this, but I am grateful for that. Without them, I'd still be running from all of the things that I need to work on, the areas that need refining. I wouldn't know how to truly love and be loved. They've helped me to find my divine purpose, as a mother and as a human being.
So, if that means I'm defined by motherhood, then I guess I am. Sometimes it's a little scary to think that you'll never be the same person you once were. It can be daunting to realize this little person makes up so much of who you are. But isn't there so much beauty in that, too? Personally, I don't want to be the person I used to be because, honestly, I didn't know what life was really about.
As I embark in this new chapter of life as a mother of two I find myself changing all over again in new ways. The relationship I had with Wesley has changed almost entirely and we are trying to figure out this new dynamic that we have. I'm learning how to balance my time between three people now. And then there is all the new growth happening with me personally. It's terrifying, difficult and confusing at times. I feel so vulnerable and don't recognize myself a lot of days. But I'm not the same person I was last month or even last week and that is amazing. My heart has expanded in size and every day I feel more love and light than I could have only ever imagined.
All of it is for or because of them.