I feel a little badly leaving without notice for two whole months. My role as a mother, a woman and a wife has felt really confusing to me at this period in my life and I am trying to sort through it a piece at a time. Some nights I lay in bed and wonder where in the world I fit. What kind of mother and wife I want to be, the quality of life I desire and how I get there, are questions I constantly have on my mind.
These past two and a half months have been some really dark ones for me as an individual. I haven't been able to make sense of the trials happening in our life, let alone share it with the world. So in the midst of trying to figure it all out, I decided one of the things I needed to do was take a break from blogging. I think it goes without saying, in the blogging world there is an underlying pressure to keep up and honestly, I don't like that aspect of it. I realize others may not have a problem with this, but I just didn't see it as benefiting my life anymore. I needed to step away from it to find my center again.
I started blogging when I moved to Utah five years ago because I loved the idea of having my own space on the internet to share the experiences I was having as a young broken hearted girl. I was by myself in a new city, starting a new life and if I remember it right, I wrote everyday. It was really therapeutic for me and I have loved blogging ever since. I didn't always have photos and the ones I did have were taken on my crappy phone, but it was okay! It was just for me. I didn't compare my blog with others and I didn't know how many people read it. It's evolved a lot since then, which is a great thing, but I realized my reasons for blogging changed maybe a little too much.
Once I had Wesley I saw the blog as something that took time away from him, so I felt like I needed to make a profit to make it all worth it. Also, if I wasn't a mommy blogger, what would I BE? Oh, the horror of being "just a mom"! I hope you know I am partly kidding… but really though. I spent so much time and effort into something that wasn't going anywhere and put a lot of pressure on myself to make it a success. But I suppose I just got tired of trying to be/do it all. I was tired of planning posts and stressing over everything being good enough without ever feeling like it was good enough. At this moment in time I am a mother to a little boy that needs me very much. I have a husband who works hard and deserves my attention when he is home. It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realized I am living the life I have always dreamed of living and it is enough.
So I will admit, it has been really nice being away. I've felt free. I have had so much extra time to be in the moment and to not have anything to get to. But I have missed the sharing part. The part where I have the opportunity to connect with so many women going through similar challenges and triumphs and who are in the same stage of life as me. I will always appreciate that part of blogging/social media. I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't have to be one or the other for me. It can be for me again, my space and place to share.
So here I am. Except this time, I hope to bring back the originality of my posts. Not planned, not posed, just candid, honest and real. The musings of a woman embarking on a journey of motherhood and life.